Garner State Park; A hiking trail near the Pavilion
Please remember this is just current ramblings of what I’m feeling or thinking at the moment I’m writing. My thoughts and feeling may be different a week or even a month from now. I am also currently sick with sinus troubles. So, this may be one strange piece of writing full of flaws.
The phrase, “here I go again”, kept popping up in my head whenever I thought about Friday’s word prompt. There is a song I don’t know well; but, certain lyrics stuck with me.
For example, “like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.” I have always felt I never belonged in either the hearing or the deaf world. So, I was born to walk alone.
I think I snapped a few years back.
I got tired of doing and planning everything we do. He would never indicate what he would like to do or where he’d like to go. He is “fine” with whatever I plan or do. But, I felt like it was all me and he just tagged along. For the lack of better words, I’ve lost sight of him.
I feel like we are strangers in the night.
I don’t know who he is (now). I don’t know the man I married.
This is only a small picture of our lives. There is that matter of the differences in spiritual beliefs. And, so much more…
I think within the last year or so, I’ve reached a fork in the road in life. I don’t know what lies ahead. I don’t know what to do. I’m extremely scared of the idea of going alone. I’m feeling paralyzed. And yet, I get the feeling I must take the first step.
“And here I go again on my own”…
I’m seeing him do things that are making him seem enthusiastic once again. He had quit photography years ago. I’ve always felt like it’s my fault he quit because, around that same time, I had picked up the camera again and found a love for macro. I have never been able to shake that feeling that I am responsible for his decision to quit even though we were doing two distinct types of photography.
He recently rediscovered his love of astronomy and picked up his camera once again to do some astrophotography. Instead of him joining me in everything I plan or do, I can join him in the things he’s wanting to do. He’s even taken initiative to make reservations to go camping recently. This pleasantly surprised me.
And, I’ve seen him research parks along with the timing of the new moon so that he could potentially do some astrophotography. I say “potentially” because astronomy is a fair-weather friend. It all depends upon having clear skies. But, I don’t think it matters because we both enjoy camping and all will not be lost if cannot view the stars.
Is that enough? In spite of my current feelings, there may be hope for us again.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
‘Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
Whitesnake “Here I Go Again”
– as written by David Coverdale and Bernie Marsden…