New Braunfels, Texas; August 17, 2019
during the week of 52Frames’ “night” theme
If you cannot handle randomness within a piece of long journalistic writing, you may want to pass reading on this one. I confess that I lost track of time while writing. I just hope the reader can understand what I’ve written in spite of the many holes.
Being a Mary in a Martha world1 is not easy.
How can I put my full attention on a task, a sermon, etc., and etc. when my mind races to and fro? It’s a mighty frustrating endeavor fighting against my own mind at times.
I am able to focus on the very things I love to do. I tend to utterly lose myself. But, the world considers these things frivolous.
It’s hard to undo years of being told they are not worth pursuing. It’s hard to undo years of conforming to what society placed upon me. It’s hard doing the things I love knowing how certain people think. It’s hard to be me in the judgmental Martha world.
The world judges you and it hurts so deeply. The damage is done. How does a body get past that?
I still battle the old thoughts and opinions placed upon me decades ago. I often find myself lost in mindless things such as watching the TV or surfing the web. It was extremely bad a few years ago. However, I am doing better and more these days. I am able to truly enjoy crafts, writing, and photography once again. The reason is I no longer care what the world thinks of me (or how I do them).
Books are a different story. I used to be such a lover of books. They’re still a hard thing to read. I can’t shake the ingrained feeling they’re wrong.
You have to understand my story…
The long story short is two people I once loved and respected barged into my room decades ago and told me they were worried about me. They informed me I was becoming anti-social and completely invalidated me (my reasons). To get them off my back, I promised I would try. I am a deep person and I honor my word.
Thus, began my efforts to participate and my long slow descent into anger towards the family. My eyes were slowly opened. I tried so hard and the effort was never made to meet me halfway.
It’s hard to undo years of damage done by a single, yet heavy, charge of being anti-social. I now know I’m simply deaf. If people wish to engage with me, they can make the effort to do so. Otherwise, I’d be happy to go off and read a book. Well, I used to…
I still love books; but, they are piling up around me. I cannot seem to relax and read with peace these days with the feeling it’s utterly wrong. I am still able to lose myself in a good book; but, it’s hard to remain there with that uneasy feeling always present.
This was the reality of my world, always worrying about what others thought of me.
This was the reality of my world, none could (or would) not accept me.
This was the reality of my world, a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
This is the reality of my world, throwing off chains placed upon me by others including myself.
It’s difficult to relax and be me.
It’s difficult to be a Mary in a Martha world.
- When I think of Mary and Martha in broader terms (in terms of the world), I think of
Mary as observant, thoughtful, different, deep, slow, etc., and etc.
Martha is busy, indifferent, selfish, demanding, etc., and etc.
Mary marches to the beat of a different drummer while Martha is the majority.
I think and hope you now know what I was thinking when I wrote this sentence.