Uncategorized · Writing

Write 31 Days: Pause (Day 17)

Stop. Pause.
Breathe.
Cry if you must.
But keep going.

~ unknown ~

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I discovered through life that it is better to walk away than to give in to the emotions that may cause me to regret my words and actions.  People may want my reaction at that moment; but, I have discovered early on in life it’s better to pause, think and reflect, pray, etc., and etc. before saying or doing anything.  In fact, sometimes inaction is the best way to go.  Just let them think what they want to think (of/about me).  It’s not worth the argument or potential hurt feelings.

The disadvantage is when I finally made my decision(s), know my thoughts on the subject, etc., and etc., it might be too late as people have no patience for those who take the time to ponder upon things first.  In other words, the moment has passed for them even though it has not for me.  I take things too seriously.

The worst effect from deliberately walking away is that my feelings and thoughts settle in my soul. As a result, I may make personal decisions that reflect back upon the instigator of the event.  In other words, my respect will either have gone up or down for the person(s).

Pausing to reflect upon things or regain my composure is a good thing; but, it may not be for the situation that is currently happening.  There are times when I wish I had spoken up and defended myself immediately.

I only know if the situation(s) occur again, I will speak and stand up for myself.  In fact, I’ve already done this and shocked/surprised a person.

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It is not easy for me to speak up for myself in social situations and even on social media.  But, I get tired of certain things repeatedly being said or happening.  It’s their values, beliefs, and assumptions about me that irks me.   However, I just never know if my timing is accurate and this always causes me anxiety.

I also get anxious and stressed about what they may think of me, my words, reactions or inactions. It’s crazy insane I get this way.  I don’t want anyone to think badly of me and yet, I have no doubt some do.  I’ve gotten better about this as I get older.  I still care; but, it’s not like they care about me.  I’m sure that last sentence makes sense, not!

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
Proverbs 25:11

Don’t hate me for having thoughts of my own.
~ moi (Lee Ann Lenfest} ~

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Uncategorized · Writing

Write 31 Days: Pray (Day 16)

Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the one who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference.
~ Max Lucado ~

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays. 
~ Soren Kierkegaard~

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I don’t feel like I am a prayer warrior.  The prayer warriors I know keep track of who to pray for along with the whys and whats.  They take the time to pray during specific times of the day.  I’m just not like them and, as a result, I sometimes feel lacking in my prayer life.

I tend to pray at the spur of the moment.  I take the time to pray on the spot when coming across a request or when a thought slips into my mind.  I do have several friends that I am praying for when I think of them (which is often) as they have an ongoing event or personal battle.

Prayer has changed me in ways I never really expected.  In the face of doubts and feeling distant from Him, I persisted.  I longed for a closer relationship with Him.  And, one day while standing in the kitchen praying, something happened inside and I felt close to Him once again.  I still have ongoing personal struggles; but, I know my God is with me again.

When I have trouble praying, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and calm my entire being1.  I also use my imagination sometimes.  I will close my eyes and humbly go before the throne with Christ by my side as my mediator2 and intercessor3.  It’s extremely hard for me to not be anxious about anything4.  But, it helps to know that my God is patient, kind, merciful and always does what is best for us. All. of. us.

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Have you ever said, ‘Well, all we can do now is pray?’… When we come to the end of ourselves, we come to the beginning of God.”
~ Billy Graham ~

  1. Psalms 46:10
  2. Hebrews 9:15, 1 Timothy 2:5
  3. Hebrews 7:25
  4. Philippians 4:6-7

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Uncategorized · Writing

Write 31 Days: When (Day 15)

I had a tough time coming up with a topic for today’s prompt.  These kinds of prompt (yesterday and today) are not my kind of words to get me inspired.
divider-clipart-divider_line_med“Tell me about a time when…” is a behavioral interview type question. I absolutely despise them.  It’s difficult for me to come up with a “story” in response to the question asked.  I’m not the one to volunteer information or come up with personal history on the fly.  I would rather have specific straight questions so that I can give specific answers.

I honestly do not remember what specific questions were asked during interviews after I quit my first job; but, I do remember coming up with “stories” in response to the possible questions that may come up.  This stressed me out and gave me extreme anxiety.  My stomach would twist in knots simply because I hated the thought of “lying” even though it’s the truth.  It felt like lying to me because I was promoting myself, coming up with the best strategy to tell the story, in hopes of landing that job.

I’ve recently heard that this type of behavioral interviewing strategy is disappearing. Thank God. It’s so unnatural and stilted.

I’m extremely rusty in my interviewing skills. I would need help to get back into top shape mentally and emotionally concerning job hunting.  I pray I will find the help should the need arise.  Actually, I pray that I will not have to undergo interviews unless I truly desire to enter the workforce again.divider-clipart-divider_line_medLeeann_EthnicFlava_jenntags12-vi
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Write 31 Days: Ask (Day 14)

I honestly do not like this specific word prompt.  I learned early on in my life if I have questions to either seek the answer out myself or to let it go.   I started writing several times and never liked where the written words went. So, I’d erase it all.

In the end, I just wrote… and, left it as is.

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My father once said I was naive when I was very young.  Instead of asking him what that word meant, I snuck into his room to look inside his big dictionary as I did not have one of my own.  I had trouble finding the word as the spelling was weird.  But, once I found it and read the meaning, I got angry at the situation and confronted him upon his return home.

If he didn’t want me to be naive, then don’t leave me in the dark.  His ultimate reaction was to be speechless and walk away.  He just couldn’t teach or explain the matter to me.

It’s fruitless to ask when people do not desire or refuse to repeat themselves or explain the gist of the conversation.   They just couldn’t be bothered.  As a result, I learned to hate bothering people. But, I still longed to know why everyone was laughing or what they were arguing/talking about.

When my oldest niece was three or four years of age, I learned my mother deliberately spoke over my head in my youth.  She tried doing this over my niece’s head and, of course, my niece heard her.   Mother laughed embarrassedly and explained to the people around us that she did this with me whenever she didn’t want me to understand what she said or have to explain stuff. I felt deeply hurt.

divider-clipart-divider_line_medI just don’t ask people questions. Why bother?  It’s better to seek out the answer to my questions within books.   And, today the internet provides a constant and instant source of answers.  If the question(s) is of a personal nature, I’d let it go as it’s none of my business.

FYI: I was a young adult, in my early twenties, when I discovered my mother talked over my head.

FYI: The word “whatever” became my favorite phrase in my youth.  It was my form of rebellion against how I was treated by the people around me.  If they didn’t want to take the time with me, then I didn’t care what they thought.   When I met Dan, my husband, I discovered he despised this word. His explanation as to why he disliked the word made sense. So, it gradually disappeared from my spoken vocabulary.

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Uncategorized · Writing

Write 31 Days: Talk (Day 13)

Center: First hearing aid  — at 2 years of age
Left: First over-the-ear aid  — just before sixth grade
Right: First digital aid — 2016

(Mother saved my first aids.  I did not have the heart to discard them.)

divider-clipart-divider_line_medThere is a difference between talking and conversing.  There are those who would talk for the sake of talking and not listen to a word another is saying.  They value only their own thoughts.  And then, there are those who truly converse, they listen with their eyes and hearts and speak with thoughtfulness.  These are the ones who value other people’s thoughts.

Converse with me and don’t put me down.

I  will never understand a person suddenly getting up in the middle of what I’m saying and never resume the conversation.  It is even worse if the person intentionally started a conversation with me in the first place.   I concentrated with all my might and “heard” them. Why do they not do the same for me? It makes me feel worthless, insignificant and invisible.

I’ve reached the point of having no respect or desire to converse with these people. If they do not desire to take the time to converse and connect with me and if they do not desire to accept, recognize or respect my deafness (e.g. talk all around me), then I don’t want to make the effort as it can be mentally exhausting.

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The Deaf believe there is nothing wrong.
The hearing believe something needs to be fixed.
~ Unknown ~


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Uncategorized · Writing

Write 31 Days: Praise (Day 12)

Today is the day before my birthday and my husband surprised me by taking the day off from work.  So, this will be quick, short, and sweet.

divider-clipart-divider_line_medI’m not comfortable giving praise and I am definitely uncomfortable receiving praise.  When someone compliments me, I get flustered.  I do not like attention upon me.  And, my brain turns into mush. Words of encouragement I can handle.  But commendation? Heck no.  I am not deserving of it all.  At least, that is how I feel.

I think this is the reason why I am not comfortable praising others.  It makes me feel all awkward and clumsy in my efforts.  I just don’t handle it well.  Congratulations, such as graduations and weddings, is about the only thing I am good at doing.  It’s easy.  And, expected.  But, to spontaneously or even plan to say “you did good” just makes me feel weird.

What if they take it the wrong way? I’m proud of their accomplishments.  I wish I could convey it appropriately.  I just do not know how.
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The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.
~ Norman Vincent Peale ~

 

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Uncategorized · Writing

Write 31 Days: Door (Day 11)

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
~ Milton Berle ~

You can’t knock on opportunity’s door and not be ready.
~ Bruno Mars ~

I’ve been doing a lot of pondering and thinking of late.  Sometimes, it drives me batty at how much I ruminate.  I can scare myself to death. Well, I’m kidding here because obviously, I’m still alive.  Borrowing trouble doesn’t do you any favors but being proactive may do some good.

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I stopped at a gas station one day many years ago. The man tending the cash register was a guy I knew from a Christian Student Union I frequented in my early college days.  He graduated and left a year or so before I dropped out of college back in 1987.   I was surprised to see him behind a cash register.  He tried hard to find a job in the career he wanted, gave up and ended up working at a gas station.  He worked hard and eventually became the manager of that gas station.

Life doesn’t always bring you what you sought.  A college degree doesn’t always guarantee you the job and career you want.  You can pursue something with all your might and never get to achieve the ends.  The door is closed to you.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own life.  What would I do should there ever be the need for me to bring home the bacon.  I absolutely have no clue.

I’m pursuing the things I love doing.  I’m working hard at what I set out to do. But, could I make a career out of writing? photography?  At this moment, I’d say no.  And, my college degree may be worthless considering I haven’t kept my foot in the door of the programming world.

Some days I get to ruminating and borrowing trouble when none exists.  I get to be filled up with anxiety, worry, and concern about the future.  I have no skills to speak of and that is scary.  What will I do?  What do I want to do?  How can I get prepared in case I need to force a door open in a harsh world?

It’s not as simple as asking.  Yes, God will help and guide you; but, you can’t expect it to fall into your lap doing nothing.  You have to do the work and keep seeking for openings and knocking on all the potential doors.

Even after all that, I may have to build a door of my own.  This final scenario scares the crap out of me.  But, it is also what I think will happen most. Could I be my own boss, work hard and be successful? And, what would I be doing?

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FYI: I did return to the University 2003 part-time and graduated in 2006 with a BS degree in computer science.

Note: I desperately do not want to return to the rat race.  Society may be different now than back in the 90s.  They may be more accommodating and accepting of a person with an extreme hearing loss.   I honestly do not know.   The ADA requires employees to not discriminate against the deaf and disabled.  However, I dislike forcing a company to accommodate my needs just so that I can work.  I rather that they want me to work for them.  I sometimes secretly wish the company Dan works for had internships. His company is an awesome company to work for.  I’d most likely take a chance, and even do it for free, just to see what it’s like out there today.

Ask, and it shall be given you;
seek, and ye shall find;
knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
~Jesus Christ, Matthew 7:7~

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