Uncategorized · Writing

FMF: Burden

We should try our best to pour out all the burdens in our spirit by prayer until all of them have left us.
~ Watchman Nee ~
divider-clipart-divider_line_med

I have no trouble laying down my burdens at the feet of my Savior.  I often cry out to him when I am in the throes of despair.  It is He who keeps me alive.  Without Him and my faith, I would not be here today writing this five-minute post.

However, It’s not easy to share my burdens with others. My fellow humans are so quick to judge or do not want/desire to understand, have no patience, etc., and etc..  Too often pat answers are given sending me further down into the depths of darkness.

I’ve learned early on in life to not express myself.  I was extremely young when I was told to “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”.  I  had to ask the person what that phrase meant.  He basically explained I was way too sensitive and needed to toughen up. I remember silently resolving to keep my thoughts to myself and cry alone.

It is not easy to share burdens with anyone because I know all too well what it’s like to be laughed at and told I could not be serious1.  It’s not easy to share frustrations only to be told they do not understand2.   All those things and much more in my young life sent me further into isolation, darkness, and despair.

These things and holding them close to heart did not end upon giving my life to Christ (1979). The thoughts that drive me into darkness, despair, and depression are fewer and further apart but they still come to me once in a blue moon. Being a Christian doesn’t mean all things are rosy and perfect. I still have difficulties in life.  But, now I have faith and can confide in Someone who understands. divider-clipart-divider_line_med

  1. for thinking of suicide
  2. what it is like to be deaf

Footnotes:
I did plan to kill myself before setting foot in high school. From the day I gave my life to Christ, I knew I could never ever commit the final act knowing how God feels about murder. (Suicide is the murder of self).

If you see me rise up speaking passionately concerning all things suicide, bullying, and youth, it’s only because I deeply understand what may drive them to commit the final desperate act.  The inner pain, despair, and feeling oh so alone drives you to want to end it all.   This could have been me if not for God and Viola Mae (my Gram).

If you see me speak of certain things repeatedly, it’s because it’s close to my heart and/or something I’m currently struggling with or working through.  I am not having an easy time sharing myself (my thoughts) with my husband who is my partner in life.  You would think after 24 years of marriage, it’d be easy. It’s not for me.

 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
~ Matthew 11:28-30 ~

 

Leeann_EthnicFlava_jenntags12-vi
five-minute-friday-7_small

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “FMF: Burden

  1. You are doing a great job of expressing yourself, Lee Ann. I’m glad you are doing it. Please keep it up. It’s not only benefiting you, but others as well. (…most especially, me.) You are in my prayers.

    PS: I love this pic of you.

    1. Thank you! Writing in private is alone is therapeutic; but, I have found a certain freedom in sharing my thoughts. By the way, that picture is a favorite of mine too. I have to come up with a new self-portrait at the beginning of the New Year and it’s going to be tough!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s